I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
