ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
