I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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