I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
