Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
