My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So much rum. So many feels.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
