mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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