Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
