I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She's the barista slut.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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