you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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