5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
