Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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