Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
