just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
