turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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