Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
