Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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