M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
