Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
