Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
