Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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