so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
