I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
