i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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