I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
