I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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