i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
