hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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