You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize