I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
