She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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