I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
