Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You ruined the universe
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
