I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
