i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
