I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize