he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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