Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
