I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
