Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you inspire me to be a worse person
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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