One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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