you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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