12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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