2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
