another moral hangover. fuck.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
