OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
