my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
