Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
