dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
