At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He did a backflip because drugs
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