in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
