Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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