you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
