NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
