i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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