my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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