my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
